Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Barack the Barbarian

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Apparently inspired by Barack Obama's appearance in an issue of
Spiderman, as well as the Conan stories, a company called Devils Due
Publishing is about the launch a new line of comic books featuring
Barack the Barbarian.

The first story line will be titled Barack the Barbarian and the Quest
for the Treasure of the Stimuli. Apparently the loin cloth wearing, ax
wielding, barbarian hero will be aided in his quest by Hilaria the
Sorceress, and her demigod trickster husband Bill. The Overlord Boosh
and Chainknee of the Elephant Kingdom will be featured.

Barack the Barbarian's main enemy, though, will be a sword carrying,
chain mail, wolf cloak and glasses wearing femme fatale from the
northern lands. One can only imagine who that might be.

Josh Blaylock of Devils Due is an Obama fan, so it can it is natural
that he would imagine Barack Obama as a Conan type ubermensch style
hero with Wagnerian overtones. All that it needed is a movie, likely
animated, with Carmina Burana as the sound track. Maybe John Milius
could put it together. Failing that, maybe some purveyor of violent,
Japanese anime could be found.

Depicting Barack Obama as a warrior dude is somewhat wide of the mark.
Barack Obama and sword fights just don't seem to go together. Now,
someone somewhat less enamored of Barack Obama could put something
together more suitable to the real President's persona.

Obama the Evil Overlord has usurped the throne and has made away with
the legitimate King George. There is a prophecy, though, that one that
is true of heart will free the land of Obama the Evil Overlord and
restore true freedom.

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To this end, a motley crew of adventurers go on
a quest for a sacred object that will inspire the people to revolt.
The group includes Palin, an elf huntress, Friar Huck, a cleric, two
warriors of noble birth, Lord Rush and Sir Sean, Jindal, a mysterious
traveler from the East, McCain, the aged Earl Marshal to the old King,
the wizards Mitt and Newt, and finally Arnold the Barbarian, who had
once fallen under the dark influence of Obama the Evil Overlord, but
has now (perhaps) freed himself.

Will keep Hilaria and William the Depraved as evil minions. Add to
them the Dark Witch Pelosi, the evil cleric Father Jeremiah, Lord
Harry of Reid the wicked counselor, and an army of dark, evil zombies
under the spell of Obama the Evil Overlord who dog the steps of our
heroes at every turn.

The sacred object of the quest? The Golden Megaphone that causes the
wielder to speak truth and be believed by all who hear it.

The one flaw in all of this is that the real Barack Obama has already
violated several maxims in Peters Evil Overlord List. Like number 12;
"One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws
in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation." And Number 19, "I will not have a daughter. She would
be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged
countenance and she'd betray her own father." And Number 61, "If my
advisors ask 'Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?', I
will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them." (Though
in Obama's defense, he might not have an advisor who has the courage
to tell him that the stimulus package is a mad scheme.)